Does your relationship have termites?

A person can sincerely and deeply believe something and yet, be completely wrong.

If you think that truth doesn’t apply to you, then you just proved my point.

We hear or see something, react, and then realize we only had part of the story.

Sometimes we see or hear nothing, make up a story in our heads, and react based on a gut feeling.

When we’re right it's like winning the lottery, but when we’re wrong the price paid is rarely worth the pain and embarrassment that it costs.

My friend Mike and I mitigate the risk of falling into this trap through a policy we have set in our friendship.   

We call it "clearing assumptions."

Henry Winkler once said, “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

Clearing assumptions is about realizing that the situation I described above actually happens pretty often and provides a method for dealing with those moments before any level of reactivity begins.

I rent my coaching office from Mike and a few months ago, I got it in my head that he was going to tell me that my office wasn't going to be available any longer.  

Why did I think that?  I think he had a landscaper come to give him a quote on some lawn work or something.

What does that have to do with me renting my office?  Absolutely nothing, but I made up a story in my mind that maybe he was going to sell the building, renovate, or who knows what.

How many times have you gotten something in your head and carried it around until it grew to the point where you could no longer contain it?

Mike and I don’t do that.

As soon as the thought and feeling popped into my head I said, “Hey man, I need to clear an assumption with you.”

Because we have this installed in the way we communicate, he was psyched, smiled and said go for it.

This is process is actually really fun and freeing.  Mike and I are both coaches and like to test our methods to see how well they work.

I told him what I was thinking, he said nope and that in fact, it was the furthest thing from his mind.

He never made me feel silly for the thought or the question, nor did he feel accused.

Instead of one of us getting to celebrate one of us being right and the other wrong, we both got to celebrate clear, honest communication in an evolved, safe place.

Clear

Honest

Evolved

Safe

Communication

Here are some tips as you begin to use assumption clearing.

- Start by talking generally about the danger in believing that our assumptions are true and maybe share a story about a time you got it wrong.

- Introduce clearing assumptions as a tool that might help both of you to avoid the pitfalls that occur when we are holding assumptions in.

- Agree on a statement or question that will let the other person know you wish to engage this process.  It could be, “I’m making up a story,” or simply, “I need to clear an assumption with you.” Whichever phrase you choose, agree that it's the other person’s job to not feel accused, threatened, or irritated.  Conversely, the one needing to clear the assumption should avoid using an accusatory tone or making the process feel like an interrogation.  

- Complete the conversation and avoid the temptation to rehash outside of the context of the process.  If the assumption is cleared in the morning, don’t bring it up either jokingly or seriously at dinner.  Allow the space in which it was cleared to be both intentional and sacred.  Adhering to completion is a serious trust builder and will make subsequent clearings cleaner.  

As I wrap up this blog post, I’m making up a story that I’d like to clear.

I think you have in mind a person you want to try this with.

If I’m wrong, thanks for clearing that with me.

For information on confidential, one on one coaching with Jim Trick, email ThatLifeNow@gmail.com

Why I keep a journal

Every year I go through my fly fishing vest to reorganize, restock and clean out. The last thing I feel like doing at the end of a day on the water is dealing with the mess I’ve been creating, so you can imagine what it's like by the end of the season.

I’m starting fresh this year with a brand new vest and my plan is to break the cycle.   I’ll let you know how that goes.

The things I find in this process don’t usually surprise me.  Torn up flies, bits of line, snack wrappers and the usual rogue hook that stabs my finger and makes me say a bad word or two, are all the norm.  Imagine my surprise when in a pocket I forgot was even there, I found a journal from the late 90’s.

One of my favorite things about fly fishing is that mid-afternoon break where to rest and take in the scenery, you sit on a log with your wader-clad legs floating in the river.  That break usually includes a pen and paper with which I can capture everything inside and outside that seems noteworthy.

Reading my long lost journal was like opening a time capsule.  I was instantly transported back to 1996 and the details of not only that particular day but my life and the lives of my loved ones as well.  Apparently, the weather was perfect but the trout were winning.  I was working on healing my heart and members of my family were transitioning in their relationships.   I was at once reminded of how far I’ve come and how much has changed in the last twenty years.  

While keeping a journal may seem like a chore, daily journaling actually has benefits way beyond remembering what trout fly you used to land a big one. Harvard researcher, Shawn Achor, lists daily journaling as one of the practices proven to increase happiness.  For me, writing about what I’m grateful for, what I’m feeling and where I am as it relates to my goals is enormously helpful.  Not only can I look over journals and track progress, I’m also able to see where I’ve gotten stuck.  Science shows that regular journaling can improve your immune system, reduce blood pressure and even Improve lung and liver function.  Who knew?

Here are a few tips to get started.

- Choose a journal and writing instrument that you love.   My favorite journal is this one from Field Notes.  I actually went so far as to have a custom made, leather cover for it, which fits in my pocket and I’m rarely without.   Because I enjoy writing with a really fine point, this pen from Pilot.

- Start small.  Waking up and taking just ten minutes to write is a great way to start your day.  

- Write whatever you feel like.  Maybe you want to list things you're grateful for, something great that happened the day before or a hope for the day to come.  Whatever it is, don’t judge it and let it flow.  

- Be consistent.  Set a goal of writing every day for two weeks and get a sense of how it impacts your life.

I hope you find journaling as enjoyable as I do and that the practice of getting it out on paper turns out to be a great addition to your day.   A picture may be worth a thousand words but a handful of words can create a million pictures.